Ash (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
indiscriminate_slag) wrote2014-06-01 09:14 am
indiscriminate_slag) wrote2014-06-01 09:14 am
Entry tags:
I need new icons, yo.
Hey DW! I'm back, whether you like it or not. Um.
I haven't been on here in quite a bit, although I've kept my other social media accounts updated. After my last entry I went from a manic phase into a HUUUUUUUGE depressive phase, and it was totally fun! Actually, no, it wasn't. But I've been put on Celexa in addition to the Wellbutrin I'm already on, and the combo seemed to work pretty well.
However, on May 1, my mother died unexpectedly. A simple outpatient surgery turned into an almost week-long suckfest that resulted in the amputation of both of her legs, kidney failure, and us having to let her go because her body just couldn't take the trauma.
I...feel weird about the whole thing. On one hand, I want to cry and scream and punch yet another hole in the wall because my best friend is gone and it's not fucking fair. On the other hand, I know I'm not the only person who's lost a parent, so why should I dwell on it? Thing is, I wouldn't say that to someone else, so I don't know why it's okay for me to talk to myself like that. I want to be there for my siblings and my dad, because they're taking it hard. I am, too, but I feel weird acknowledging my grief.
I'm going to stop on that line of thought, because things are still confusing and I'm still in denial about her being gone, although I know the realization will hit super hard and it will suck massively.
I'm doing a little bit better, though! Last week was my first full week back at work since it happened. \o/ Also, I scrubbed both the bathroom and the laundry room from top to bottom yesterday, did three loads of laundry, and cleaned the kitchen (just not as thoroughly as the other two). I'd planned on vacuuming the living room but I ended up being really grumpy that I was the only one doing something. Which is rude and unfair, since my dad and my brother both work night shifts, but eh. My brother is the type who will leave his shit everywhere but then when someone else does it he gets super condescending. "Why is this here? This needs to be put away." Argh. Whyyyy have I not found my own place yet?
I've been practicing self-care, too, courtesy of several posts on Tumblr. This is helped by my Birchbox subscription, because I've got some FABULOUS shampoos and conditioners that I could never hope to afford in regular retail sizes, but the small bottles are so concentrated that they are lasting FOREVER. Also, practicing better sleep hygiene is helping.
So. That's been my life thus far. Exciting.
I haven't been on here in quite a bit, although I've kept my other social media accounts updated. After my last entry I went from a manic phase into a HUUUUUUUGE depressive phase, and it was totally fun! Actually, no, it wasn't. But I've been put on Celexa in addition to the Wellbutrin I'm already on, and the combo seemed to work pretty well.
However, on May 1, my mother died unexpectedly. A simple outpatient surgery turned into an almost week-long suckfest that resulted in the amputation of both of her legs, kidney failure, and us having to let her go because her body just couldn't take the trauma.
I...feel weird about the whole thing. On one hand, I want to cry and scream and punch yet another hole in the wall because my best friend is gone and it's not fucking fair. On the other hand, I know I'm not the only person who's lost a parent, so why should I dwell on it? Thing is, I wouldn't say that to someone else, so I don't know why it's okay for me to talk to myself like that. I want to be there for my siblings and my dad, because they're taking it hard. I am, too, but I feel weird acknowledging my grief.
I'm going to stop on that line of thought, because things are still confusing and I'm still in denial about her being gone, although I know the realization will hit super hard and it will suck massively.
I'm doing a little bit better, though! Last week was my first full week back at work since it happened. \o/ Also, I scrubbed both the bathroom and the laundry room from top to bottom yesterday, did three loads of laundry, and cleaned the kitchen (just not as thoroughly as the other two). I'd planned on vacuuming the living room but I ended up being really grumpy that I was the only one doing something. Which is rude and unfair, since my dad and my brother both work night shifts, but eh. My brother is the type who will leave his shit everywhere but then when someone else does it he gets super condescending. "Why is this here? This needs to be put away." Argh. Whyyyy have I not found my own place yet?
I've been practicing self-care, too, courtesy of several posts on Tumblr. This is helped by my Birchbox subscription, because I've got some FABULOUS shampoos and conditioners that I could never hope to afford in regular retail sizes, but the small bottles are so concentrated that they are lasting FOREVER. Also, practicing better sleep hygiene is helping.
So. That's been my life thus far. Exciting.
Well...
Because a major life change requires processing. If you don't do that, you can get stuck, and that causes problems. Grieving is a natural and healthy process.
>> Thing is, I wouldn't say that to someone else, so I don't know why it's okay for me to talk to myself like that. <<
It's not. Asking yourself how you'd treat a friend is a good tactic if your compassion for others consistently exceeds your compassion for self. There are some good resources for this online:
http://www.heyugly.org/SelfBullying.php
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/try_selfcompassion
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/06/27/5-strategies-for-self-compassion/
Re: Well...
And I absolutely agree with all you've said. Logically, I know that I should be allowing myself more time to grieve and to let myself feel "okay" about doing so. Unfortunately, I tend to compartmentalize things into a "this is what I'm allowed to do, and this is what others are allowed to do" kind of deal. Which is ridiculous, of course, but I'm still working on changing a mindset that I've lived with for several years.
I do thank you for the advice, though, and I've bookmarked those websites. Hopefully they're things I can add to the mental toolkit I built in previous counseling sessions. :-)
Re: Well...
What is right and what happens are not always the same. If you have been routinely criticized or punished for doing the same things that other people do, that's a practical application of double standard, which can be very difficult to fix even after you get into a saner situation.